Cliche
by Elf Knight
Summary: Highschool student Eragon hates fantasy novels with a passion since they are all so cliche. Then...his worst nightmare comes to life when he and his best friend Alyss stumble into a portal that whisks them away to the wartorn world of Alageasia! AU
1. Chapter 1: The Curse of Mary Sues

**Author's Note:** This idea came to me in a flash of brilliance as a type of parody since the _Inheritance Cycle_ (no offence) is filled to the brim with clichés and Mary Sues. Hopefully, this fanfic will be better and a little different. And thank God for the fact that I don't own the IC!

**Chapter I:**

The Curse of Mary Sues

"I'll kill him!" Eragon ranted.

"Whoa, calm down, buddy!" Alyss exclaimed as she struggled to pull Eragon out of the school corridor.

"_Seriously!_" Eragon spat. "How can he make us undergo such torture? We have to read the _Inheritance Cycle_ for school and write a book report about it? I mean, come on! Even the _Adventures of Alice in Wonderland_ are better than that failure? Epic indeed!"

"I know you hate it, Eragon," Alyss said, rubbing Eragon's arm soothingly as he stood panting for breath. "But it is homework and whether we like it or not we have to do it. Punching your English teacher to smithereens will not get you an A+!"

Eragon took in a deep breath and let his shoulders sag.

"I know," He said. "But it is just so blasted annoying having to read about some dim-witted, farm-boy-turned-hero thing who happens to stumble across a Dragon Egg and become the saviour over all of Alageasia. I mean, what kind of a name is that?

"You'd think the author would choose something more easy to pronounce but no! Instead, he wants to 'invent' his own language – something that has been done ever since Tolkien, mind! – in order to make his book series seem vast and complex.

"Why, he hasn't even finished Book IV yet and it's been what? Two or three years since the previous one has come out? What in the world is taking him so long? Did some insane fangirl beat the crap out of him for no AxE so far? And what kind of a name is Eridor for a hero and a Dragon Rider no less? It's like he is begging to get sued for copying _The Lord of the Rings_! He..."

"Are you quite finished yet?" Alyss snapped.

Eragon clenched his teeth and nodded knowing he'd have a heck of a lot more to say against that good for nothing trilogy. The crazy author used all the common fantasy tropes ranging from the half-mad tyrant king to the stoic and poker-faced female heroine.

She even wore leathers and was an elf too boot! Not to mention her name being totally like that of a certain Arwen from a trilogy that really was epic and took a grand ten to fourteen years to write.

Now _that_ author was a genius, God rest his soul! This author, on the other hand, was a complete nincompoop! The elves were tree-hugging atheistic nerds.

The dwarves were fat, scientific clowns. The humans were deranged, warmongering, violent-prone and corrupt maniacs who did more damage than they strove to stop. And the dragons? You would have thought the author would have made them cool but no!

He killed off all the dragons, giving his favourite hero the last one in existence and the hero's brother and enemy the only other one in existence besides the last dragon egg which was, in fact, a male. Then there was the king's dragon and this caused a problem.

Because there was only one female dragon and two males (minus the king's dragon due to it being twisted from its long captivity) would cause incest should one of the male dragons become good and mate the female.

There would be no other females for their children to mate with resulting in a week breed of dragons. Eragon supposed it was that character shield again and he knew the delinquent author probably wouldn't delve into that aspect of aftermath.

He would probably end the story with a touching epilogue of the hero and his dragon leaving the world reunited with his brother and finally together with his blank-faced elf woman. Good for nothing loser!

Eragon could have gone on and on but he knew when to call it quits. Besides, no one was listening to his rant besides his best and only friend Alyss White. She was his next door neighbour and had practically grew up together. Alyss was about his height and boasted a stunning figure.

While he had never thought of her in that way due to them being friends for practically _forever_, brother and sister really, he had to admit she was rather pretty. A cascade of platinum blond hair trailed down her back and her eyes were an intelligent and brilliant, sky-blue.

Thank god they weren't green! The female heroes, or hero's love interest, always had 'raven black hair' and piercing green eyes. It was as common and cliché as cliché could get.

Anyhow, Eragon knew that school was long over and the hallway was practically empty. English had been the last on their schedule today and the teacher had left them with writing assignment to read the first book in the _Inheritance Cycle_ and bring it to class next day.

They were supposed to pick apart and analyse the author's themes and choices of characters, events, etc. It made no sense to Eragon for the book was cliché as hell and did not deserve the red carpet treatment.

Even the Harry Potter saga was better than that! Of course, even that was a major rip-off of _The Lord of the Rings_ and a few other novels besides, but what could he say? It was a fairly good series and an engaging read despite its cliché-ness.

Oh, well! A guy had to do what a guy had to do.

"Hey, Eragon," Alyss said, punching him in the shoulder. "Are you even listening to me?"

"Huh?" Eragon blinked, confused out of his daze. "Oh, urn, yeah. Sorry. Look, we should probably head back now, no?"

"Exactly what I was saying!" Alyss nodded exasperatedly.

"Sorry," Eragon said with a sheepish smile. "I got a bit carried away there what with that stupid English assignment."

"No problem," Alyss said, giving him a mischievous grin. "I know how these things hate you so much. In fact, I was pretty pissed off with them myself. Should we take the bus? It's leaving in five minutes."

"Nah," Eragon said, waving his hand dismissively. "I wanna walk home to clear my head. I don't mind if you take the bus. It gets so stifling and suffocating in there sometimes."

"I know what you mean," Alyss nodded, pursing her lips as she though. Making up her mind, she added, "Okay then, you win! A walk would do me good. I've got loads of calories to burn that I accumulated over the week-end."

Unable to suppress a grin, Eragon rolled his eyebrows.

_Girls!_ Just when you thought you knew them, you found out that you didn't know them at all!

Humming the song named "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter, Eragon broke into a steady jog towards the exit with Alyss at his heals. He knew he could always count on his blond-haired friend to cool him off when he was about to blow his top.

Little did he know just how much more he would need her in the days to come...

**To Be Continued!**


	2. Chapter 2: Men in Black

**Chapter 2:**

Men in Black

It was dusk when they returned home.

The world was sinking lazily into the first shades of sunset, blissfully unaware that something horrible was about to take place in virtually seconds.

It was Alyss who was the first one to notice that something was wrong. Attuned to the 'here and now' as always, Eragon's blond-haired friend noticed a strong smell of smoke and...blood...

Being lost in his own thoughts, Eragon did not realise what was going on until it was too late.

"Look!" Alyss hissed, grabbing his arm as they clambered off the bus.

Eragon's heart nearly jumped into his throat.

Flames.

His house was on fire.

Many things could have caused it but not a furnace or stove. His family did not have a real hearth although they had a decorative one. What's more, his mother was always strict as hell when it came to turning off the stove, heater, or even the iron.

She would have never allowed something like this to happen.

Never!

But what troubled Eragon more was that the rest of the neighbourhood seemed untouched by the fire. In fact, no one seemed to notice it at all save the two of them, as the rest of the students poured out of the bus.

Only him and Alyss could see the fire.

So was it real? 

It had to be! 

The smell of smoke was almost overpowering and he could hear the very crackle of flames from here at the Bus Stop across the street. He had never been in a fire before, not that he wanted to, so he wouldn't know for sure how real it was. But he could feel the heat from where he stood even though he was a few meters away.

Like any decent person, he was just reaching into his pocket to pull out his phone and call 911 when Alyss darted across the street, her eyes wide with worry.

"No!" He blurted out.

What was she thinking?

Neither of them knew how to put out a fire and they didn't have one of those red and black hose things you see hooked up to the wall all over the place. The best thing he could think of was the garden hose wrapped around an old, outdoor tap.

Cursing himself for his slowness, he slung his backpack over his shoulders and charged to the garden. Heat blasted at him and ashes flew in his face.

A wooden beam, all ablaze like something out of a movie, fell to the ground with a sharp _crack_ narrowly missing him by inches. His heart pounding wildly in his chest, he unwound the house and turned on the tap. Ice cold water flew out of the hose but to no avail.

As if the fire wasn't there, water flooded into the burning house without putting out a single flame. Cursing and sweating – his face, arms, and neck covered in soot – he dropped the hose and tried to enter the house to see if his parents were in there and, if so, to rescue them.

No such luck.

The fire was too strong and he couldn't get through the door as the doorframe was surrounded by a rectangle of flames, the doorway itself long burned to ash and loose timber.

Now mad in panic mode, he glanced around wildly for help but everyone else was going about their regular duties not realising that two innocent people were probably being burned to death within, not to mention them being his parents. What would he do with them gone?

He was only fifteen!

He was struggling in Empire High, trying his best to keep his head above water barely making a B. Then, of course, there were the bullies, the hippies, the yuppies, the punks, the weirdo cultists, the athletics, the drug dealers, the gangs – all of which tried to get him and everyone else to be a part of their clique. It was enough to make any decent person go insane!

At least he had Alyss, she was the only one who would stick by him no matter what, no matter what some jerk did because he refused to join their little group. She would always stand by him and defend him even when the entire school – teachers included – avoided him. She would know what to do. Wait a minute...

Alyss! 

His heart skipped a beat and fear gripped him fresh.

She had run out there first into the fire or her house. Probably her house to see if she could call 911 or get help. Unlike a lot of girls her age, she didn't believe in owning a mobile phone as she said it was way too distracting and time-consuming what with all the texts young people these days were sending like crazy.

Eragon conceded to her point but he only carried a mobile because it was easier to access than a landline. He didn't have too many people to call save his parents, relatives abroad, and Alyss. Now she was in trouble, most likely, and he had completely forgotten about her.

How could he be so stupid?

Berating himself viciously for his thoughtlessness, he ran and vaulted over the garden fence not bothering to go through the front gate. Time was of the essence and he just couldn't afford to wait around for stuff like that.

Breathing heavily from the unexpected exertion, he noticed with relief that while some of the smoke had floated into Alyss' property none of the fire had. However, her home looked equally bad. The normally picture-perfect garden was a wreck with plants torn up and thrown everywhere. Mud splattered the walls and the windows were broken.

Shards of glace were strewn haphazardly across the driveway and broken pots cluttered up the path. Even more alarming was the dozens of footprints in the garden mud. It looked as if a lot of people had been running about there, trying to catch something?

Giving himself a mental shake, Eragon strove to calm his mind as he hobbled across the driveway and swung open the front door which was already open a jar.

His heart almost stopped.

He had been in Alyss' house many times during their friendship and had noticed how clean and immaculate it was, like _army_ clean. Everything had always looked like it was in tip-top shape and seemed to almost sparkle. Even Alyss' father was a neat freak and always insisted on a tidy house. Eragon himself wasn't even spared from the clean up jobs (not that he minded very much) whenever he came over to visit such as the dishes, for example.

But this house was the exact opposite of clean.

It was a disaster, like from one of those action thriller movies where the main villain comes searching the hero's home for something or someone. The sitting room was a disaster. Plant pots were smashed to bits. Cushions and rugs were in a heap of feathers and ripped up cloth all over the floor. Couches, tables, and chairs were in a disarray as if some mad monster had charged throughout the room.

Well, not everything was a wreck.

With a jolt of fear, Eragon noticed that a high-back rocking chair – Mrs. White's favourite – was still in a fairly good condition. And on it sat the weirdest and meanest-looking person he had ever seen!

The person was a man, tall and strong. A torrent of flaming purple hair fell to his shoulders, glittering eerily in the slender beams of sunlight that filtered through the windows. His skin was a deathly pale like a vampire, Eragon supposed, and his eyes were black, just black. There were no whites, browns, or blues – they were simply black.

It was unnerving to say the least. But that was not what unnerved Eragon the most; what did was his clothing and that of the six other men who stood silently and menacingly in the room: They wore black.

Men in black.

_Men in black._

Men dressed in black leather suits holding spears, huge swords, and scythes were not the friendliest of people in any novel or movie. It was tradition, it seemed, for the bad guys to wear black leather jackets, have bald heads, and big muscles.

Yet another tradition scared Eragon to the core – Alyss was standing, pale-faced and terrified, in front of one man in black who stood at the purple-haired freak's right.

And that man in black held a knife to her throat.

**To Be Continued...**

**A/N:** Well, there you have it – another instalment of Cliché! Once again, I realise this is horribly cliché but no matter. It's a parody meant to poke fun at all the common fantasy tropes. It is also meant to be serious at the same time if that makes any sense. Also, someone pointed out that Harry dies in the HP Saga which is supposedly original.

Sorry to burst your little bubble but that idea has been used in fantasy and other books since history. First and most important is the Bible in which Jesus Christ dies to save the world from sin. Next comes _The Chronicles of Narnia_. In the first book – _The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe _– where Aslan (a Christ-like figure in the series) sacrifices his life to save Narnia from the power-hungry White Witch.

Then is _The Wheel of Time_ by Robert Jordan where Rand al' Thor must sacrifice his life to get rid of the dark god who wants to break out of his prison. Then there's _The Underland Chronicles _by Susane Collins where death is predicted for the hero in order to defeat the main bad guy. Then there's _Percy Jackson and the Olympians _and many more novels I don't have time to name. As you can see, it's not so original and I could go on and on and on about how Harry Potter is cliché but I won't, for now.

Anyhow, I have to go to school now so I will end this here.

I hope you all enjoy it!


End file.
